Little Secrets for Online Dating

Holy cow! She thought. “I’m meeting this guy for the first time, is this good idea? Is it safe? Should I just go home?” These were the thoughts running through my friends mind while she waited to meet with a man she met online. They had been chatting on Facebook for about 2 months and were finally meeting for the first time. 

This is not a rarity anymore with both young and old finding social media as an easy way to meet new people. In the U.S, around 1 in 4 relationships are formed from online dating and this seems to be a worldwide trend with electronic communication spreading to the ends of the earth. 

With Facebook, Twitter and online dating sites, getting into a relationship gets easier each day. There have been many horror stories about Facebook killers or situations where the first meeting does not go as planned and although some of these are true, there are other 1^st meetings which do have happy endings.

But first things first – here are some tips on how to go about dating online.

·         Don't be a creep.

So there’s that hot friend of a friend whose photos you occasionally look at but have never had the courage to talk to. Even the thought of sending them a message scares you but that’s the good thing about online dating, you have time to think of your words. The first message should be casual. It’s not a good idea to comment on a ladies chest area or a man’s body in the first message. Actually, it is never ok to make lewd comments to a stranger, you just might find yourself 'unfriended' or your profile blocked. True, the pictures are probably what piqued your interest but would you really say those things if you met this person in real life for the first time? The 1^st message should be polite and have no sexual connotations and so should and any further messages

·         Use an actual picture of yourself - not a Google image

Starting a relationship based on a lie is sure to end in disaster. So don't lie about what you look like. It is always better to put up a current picture and be truthful about your height and weight because if you do finally meet, the truth will definitely come out. Wanjiru had an unpleasant experience when the date she was to have did not turn out as expected. She had been chatting to Martin for a few weeks and they had decided to meet for lunch one Saturday afternoon. 

Being a cautious lady, she took along one of her friends just in case things didn’t work out. He was to stand in front of the restaurant in a white T-shirt so she would recognize him. She watched in shock from across the road and the man who arrived in the white-T-shirt was nothing close to his pictures or descriptions. 

For starters, he was as skinny as a stick figure with a head full of filthy dreadlocks and looked no more than 20 years old. As he leaned against the wall, bumping his head to the music from his earphones, Wanjiru and her friend had a frantic conversation about what to do. Finally, they scurried away in the opposite direction and Wanjiru texted him to cancel their date. Needless to say, she unfriended him and has not been on touch with him since. 

·         Be safe.

The man dubbed the Face book rapist in South Africa used the social networking site to lure models claiming to have jobs for them after which he would rob and rape them at knife point. He had up to 10 different accounts and as Facebook said in 2012, there were 83.09 million fake accounts across the world. 

You need to be sure the person you are talking is who they are and watch out for warning signs. Fake looking pictures are probably the first sign. If the pictures look too perfect, they probably are and unless you know them personally, assume these are Google images. Another sign is inconsistency in the conversations. If something sounds too good to be true, then it probably is. And be careful where and when you meet. 

You should meet in a public area and have a friend for support. Do not give away personal information and be very careful of anyone who asks for any money before you know each other personally. A lady I know was once about to send close to Ksh 16,000 to a Facebook lover for delivery of gifts that he had promised her. The “courier service” needed a fee to deliver the goods and after all their conversations, she was convinced he was real and was truly sending her tokens of his affection. It took a lot of convincing from her friends for her not to send the money and unsurprisingly, she never heard from him again.

·         Don’t be desperate

Commenting on your potential date’s status 10 times a day is not a good idea, neither is liking every single one of their pictures. This seems desperate and will not go done well especially for the guys. Do not make the lady feel uncomfortable. Safety is always an issue for girls especially with people they do not know so take it easy and keep the conversation light. 

Carol once made friends with a tourist from Brazil who was looking for a tour buddy. She agreed to show him around and their first meeting went fairly well. Before their second meeting, the number of messages he sent increased almost tenfold. He was obviously stalking her Facebook account, commenting on her every update, adding all her friends and constantly writing messages gushing about her beauty and how he could not wait for them to meet again. 

She might have been the girl of his dreams and a few compliments do not hurt, but he came on too strong. She was spooked and quietly ignored him until he left the country but to this day, he still sends her messages claiming his love for her. Needless to say, she is relieved he lives thousands of kilometers away.

·         Don’t reveal your whole life story

It is always easier to talk to strangers when you are not face to face and a lasting friendship can be forged through a computer screen. You can share your deepest darkest secrets but knowing where to draw the line is important. 

There are those who start off a friendship by revealing so many things, that the recipient is left shocked and in retreat. It’s not a good idea to reveal your tally of partners and twisted fantasies or how you plan on having four children in five years. 

Less is more when it comes to online dating and so long as you don’t leave out any important issues out – like an ex-wife or children – the rest of the conversations can be held in person where the laws of conversation apply. There are subtle nuances that can only be gained through practice. Happy dating!